Recently I realized I’ve been too hard on myself, after for so long believing I’ve been too lazy or undisciplined to actually do something of value. All I could’ve think of were project that never started/never finished or why haven’t gotten farther in my life. Could only think of what could’ve been, instead of what is and what it actually means

However, one night before falling asleep I started to think: if I could meet my 19-year old self, what would I tell him? Suddenly I started to think of several things, many things I don’t want to forget. I’ve said many times “memories makes us who we are”, but what does it makes us if we can’t even remember the most precious memories that give us strength? So I decided to share with you this open letter to my 19-years old-self: partly since it will help me make it easier to remember but also for all of you who also can’t help to feel powerless at night. If this open letter can at least help ONE of you in any way, would means so much for me.

Without further ado, let’s begin.

Hello Rikard!

If you meet me in the street, you wouldn’t recognize me. Sure we have similar voice, same height and the same face…but other than that, there is not that much we would have in common. First off we have different outward appearance: different body language, different hair and also completely different clothing style. If only the differences would stop there, but they don’t. You would notice I’m a humorous person, gladly look you in the eyes when we talk, got more confidence when I speak, plenty of interests and also can’t help to make weird inside jokes that you only get by hanging out with me.

Would you believe if I told you: that I’m what you will become 10 years from now?

You probably don’t believe me, but you don’t need to right now. The important thing is that I want to share with you what things you will do in later on in your life. 10 years is a long time, you have used that time for more things than you could imagine and you will grow so much.

To begin with, do you remember how many times people called you dumb and even a teacher said you wouldn’t make it in life? You for a long time would believe them. How wrong they were. In 10 years you have studied in two universities, gotten a bachelor degree from both of them: one in game design and the other one in European studies. In both instances you had to read a lot of philosophy to write the essays/thesis and if you only had more money you would more than gladly study more. You’re 18, doubting yourself so much…but right now you can’t wait to read and learn more, because you have a thirst of learning not everyone has! Heck, often you find yourself reading Kierkegaard/Thoreu (you will know them in due time) on the bus…does that sound like a dumb person to you?

Right now, you have developed agoraphobia because of the anxiety. You are afraid of crowds, having presentations, taking the bus/train/plane and go on stage. You feel weak and worthless for not being able to do many things required to achieve your dreams. And I’m not going to lie: it will stay with you for a while. There will be nights you cry, presentations you will fear, buses you avoid and life just seems scarier. But you will face your fears time and time again…and now you can’t wait to get up on stage and show everyone who you are. You travel whenever you got the time and money, you even faced your fear of flying going to Ireland and right now you can’t wait to fly to Japan! Yes, there is still things you are afraid of…but overcoming that incredible obstacle shows how strong you are. Right now: you can’t wait to conquer the other fears in your life!

As you’re reading this, you’re probably thinking “how could anything I’ve read be possible? I can’t do anything”. Once again I must be honest: your weak self-confidence is still a bit of an issue, as there are so many projects you want to do and you can’t help to hesitate: “what if I can’t do it?”. Trust me: you have done so much and even if your confidence could be stronger…it is incredibly stronger than it was before. There are a lot of moments were you outdone yourself, here are a few: one semester you wrote a thesis while studying at another university (the thesis was a smash success!), you took the role as an organizer and NAILED it (it was your first time), you learned to sew and your first costume was a 18^th century military uniform (You probably wondering why the heck you would start sewing, I’ll tell you later!). And it gets better. Even if you are struggling with starting projects because you’re worrying it might fail: slowly things are changing. Because recently you started a project that has grabbed the attention of several people all over Sweden, many are curious how it will turn out and can’t wait for you to finish it. Best of all: even if this project might not turn out perfect, you still wanna go trough with this to the end and are so excited to finish it. Because you have learned that the biggest price isn’t the audience number or critical praise: but to actually create something that grows with you and changes you to something you didn’t even know existed. Who knows what projects awaits in the future, either way you are more excited in life than ever!

But the best thing of all…you won’t experience all of this alone. I know you feel lonely right now Rikard, you got few friends and none of them make you comfortable. But now, you’re surrounded by many…MANY incredible people that enrich your life in so many ways. They have helped you through tough times, helped you on your projects, helped you grow and supported you…not like your old “friends”. You will learn so much from them all, because they come from so many places. Iceland, Ireland, USA, Norway, Finland, Denmark…and that is not all of the countries they come from. And even in Sweden they all come from different groups, giving you plenty of perspectives on life and thus saving you from a boring, monotone, life. Even 10 years later, you sometimes think “Do I even deserve these wonderful people?”. One of the best feelings is to make them smile, laugh and happy because they deserve it and much more. They have given you one of the most valuable things in life: memories. And more will come.

I’m not going to lie, there have also been some dark times to…to deny this would be an atrocious sin. Your anxiety will never go away and you know your confidence, even if it is much better, will never soar like it does for many other people. As long as there are successful people, you can’t help to compare yourself to them. This is another reason I’m writing this to you: to tell you, and remind me, something important. No one else have your memories, no one else have gone through exactly what you have, no one else smiles the way you do, no one looks into the future the same way you do. You got your own history, one the be incredibly proud of. You are Rikard, and you should be so proud of it.

Better end this letter now, got to stop procrastinating and finish my projects. Got so much more to learn!

Take care of yourself
//love, a 29 year old nerdy dork.

PS. Tack för att du finns

This will be less of an academic text than last time, instead I'll write something with a more personal aspect...which is also important for any art form, especially cosplay. This time I wanted to discuss something that is horrible, or worse yet....a sin, for a cosplayer to do. What is this sin? Well, it is a sin many of us have committed and sadly sneaks up on us before we even know it (especially now a days because of social media). To explain to you how I committed this sin, I need to go back in time.

I remember back in 2013, when I created my two first self made cosplays: The carolean uniform and Frank N Furter. One was more complex while the other was more simple, yet they would still be only the beginning of a wonderful journey that not only would help me get a sense of personal worth I've never felt before: but also would give me new friends, new experiences and ultimately...new lessons to learn.

Sic parvis magna

For the first time in a long time, learning was fun and I looked forward to learn more. I didn't care whether I was skilled, had followers or won awards, I just loved to learn more and make something more of my life. To not only dedicate to one but several skills. It got even better when I got in touch and cosplayed with cosplayers I looked up to, then I got to learn even more plus got to know inspiring people.

Not the best...but who cares? I had so much fun!

The next following months, it was like heaven, it was like I was legally high most of the time and nothing could stop me!

...then suddenly, in 2014, I didn't enjoy what I did. The joy of learning disappeared slowly as time passed and I got to meet more and more amazing people, suddenly my hobby was more of a burden that made it less worth to continue with. Yet I continued, in hope that this feeling was just a phase and it would disappear soon. Then, from 2015 to the second half of 2016, I had to take a break from cosplay because of studies and the bachelor thesis. Moreover, once I finally had the time to work on cosplay again, I still wasn't looking forward to it. I had many projects in mind, and barely started on any of them. From that moment, I started to wonder whether the joy was forever lost...I even started to think that I never actually liked cosplay, just probably wanted the attention it could give me. So anxiety kicked in alot of the time when I wanted to create something. I was a productive soul, that couldn't get to it and create anything.

anxiety, self-doubt...was it something wrong with me?

I would finally understand what was wrong when I started writing essays, especially after I finished my essay on cosplay as artform. Because after I finished it, I felt the same amazing feeling back from 2013 when I first got into cosplay and started learning and trying new things; it was like seeing an old friend again, and sometimes I could barely keep myself from crying because of the happiness. I couldn't stop thinking of new essay I wanted to write on popular culture, all the new things I could learn and try out!

At first I got really close of becoming more doubtful whether I truly enjoyed cosplay or not, as I kept wondering: "How can I find enjoyment in learning from this, and not from cosplay?!". Then one night while I was laying down on my bed thinking of how writing essay could be more giving than making cosplays it finally hit me; No one else I knew wrote essays about popular culture, I knew some aspiring writers, but no one who wrote anything on an academic level. On the other hand, I did know alot...ALOT of amazing and talented cosplayers. Then it hit me: since I started cosplaying, with time I slowly and steadily started to do something that is TRULY sinful for any artist/cosplayer: I started to compare myself to others. Whenever some of my friends would get an award, whenever they would pull of an amazing prop, whenever they would be featured on a webpage...I would always think "...why am I not there?". It was as if everything I did, no matter how amazing it was to learn new things, suddenly didn't mean anything since I wasn't as good as my friends. It would only be worth something if it got really popular or gave an award.

And now finally after realizing the truth after 3 years, I've started to wonder how I could stop comparing myself to others and find value in my own productivity. Then I remembered, that I've already written down the answer in the essay: every cosplay is unique, every inspiration is unique...and no one can take that away from you. I realized what I did, heck...what ALL cosplayers do, means and how much we all bring to the world. I don't care if I'm not as good as many of my friends whom have competed on an international level: my art not only brings enjoyment to ME, but it is also unique and can't be replaced by anyone else. Since then, I've finally started with my next cosplays and even started sewing an outfit for a cosplay-ball this month. I don't care how it's going to look, I'm just happy to know that I'm making something.

"Oh thank god, I found you..I've missed you so much!!"

With that said, I want to encourage all of you that are comparing yourselves to others...just stop. It only kills the joy you had and takes the worth from being an artist. You may be inspired by other artists, but know that you will never be them, since creativity is highly personal and comes in so many forms since we all are so different. As an artist, you should understand that pleasure of creating, and perception of finished art, varies from person to person. I'm going to finish this blog entry with: Don't expect that a popular costume gives you awards is the only thing that will give you happiness, but know that the enjoyment of creating is what makes you reach new heights.

Results shouldn't be the only thing that give you happiness, it is YOUR happiness that gives you the best results.