Recently
I realized I’ve been too hard on myself, after for so long believing I’ve been
too lazy or undisciplined to actually do something of value. All I could’ve
think of were project that never started/never finished or why haven’t gotten
farther in my life. Could only think of what could’ve been, instead of what is
and what it actually means
However,
one night before falling asleep I started to think: if I could meet my 19-year
old self, what would I tell him? Suddenly I started to think of several things,
many things I don’t want to forget. I’ve said many times “memories makes us who
we are”, but what does it makes us if we can’t even remember the most precious
memories that give us strength? So I decided to share with you this open letter
to my 19-years old-self: partly since it will help me make it easier to
remember but also for all of you who also can’t help to feel powerless at
night. If this open letter can at least help ONE of you in any way, would means
so much for me.
Without
further ado, let’s begin.
Hello Rikard!
If you meet me in the street, you wouldn’t recognize me. Sure we have similar voice, same height and the same face…but other than that, there is not that much we would have in common. First off we have different outward appearance: different body language, different hair and also completely different clothing style. If only the differences would stop there, but they don’t. You would notice I’m a humorous person, gladly look you in the eyes when we talk, got more confidence when I speak, plenty of interests and also can’t help to make weird inside jokes that you only get by hanging out with me.
If you meet me in the street, you wouldn’t recognize me. Sure we have similar voice, same height and the same face…but other than that, there is not that much we would have in common. First off we have different outward appearance: different body language, different hair and also completely different clothing style. If only the differences would stop there, but they don’t. You would notice I’m a humorous person, gladly look you in the eyes when we talk, got more confidence when I speak, plenty of interests and also can’t help to make weird inside jokes that you only get by hanging out with me.
Would you believe if I told
you: that I’m what you will become 10
years from now?
You probably don’t believe me,
but you don’t need to right now. The important thing is that I want to share
with you what things you will do in later on in your life. 10 years is a long
time, you have used that time for more things than you could imagine and you
will grow so much.
To begin with, do you remember
how many times people called you dumb and even a teacher said you wouldn’t make
it in life? You for a long time would believe them. How wrong they were. In 10
years you have studied in two universities, gotten a bachelor degree from both
of them: one in game design and the other one in European studies. In both
instances you had to read a lot of philosophy to write the essays/thesis and if
you only had more money you would more than gladly study more. You’re 18,
doubting yourself so much…but right now you can’t wait to read and learn more,
because you have a thirst of learning not everyone has! Heck, often you find
yourself reading Kierkegaard/Thoreu (you will know them in due time) on the
bus…does that sound like a dumb person to you?
Right now, you have developed
agoraphobia because of the anxiety. You are afraid of crowds, having
presentations, taking the bus/train/plane and go on stage. You feel weak and
worthless for not being able to do many things required to achieve your dreams.
And I’m not going to lie: it will stay with you for a while. There will be
nights you cry, presentations you will fear, buses you avoid and life just
seems scarier. But you will face your fears time and time again…and now you
can’t wait to get up on stage and show everyone who you are. You travel
whenever you got the time and money, you even faced your fear of flying going
to Ireland and right now you can’t wait to fly to Japan! Yes, there is still
things you are afraid of…but overcoming that incredible obstacle shows how
strong you are. Right now: you can’t wait to conquer the other fears in your
life!
As you’re reading this, you’re
probably thinking “how could anything I’ve read be possible? I can’t do
anything”. Once again I must be honest: your weak self-confidence is still a
bit of an issue, as there are so many projects you want to do and you can’t
help to hesitate: “what if I can’t do it?”. Trust me: you have done so much and
even if your confidence could be stronger…it is incredibly stronger than it was
before. There are a lot of moments were you outdone yourself, here are a few:
one semester you wrote a thesis while studying at another university (the
thesis was a smash success!), you took the role as an organizer and NAILED it
(it was your first time), you learned to sew and your first costume was a 18th
century military uniform (You probably wondering why the heck you would start
sewing, I’ll tell you later!). And it gets better. Even if you are struggling
with starting projects because you’re worrying it might fail: slowly things are
changing. Because recently you started a project that has grabbed the attention
of several people all over Sweden, many are curious how it will turn out and
can’t wait for you to finish it. Best of all: even if this project might not
turn out perfect, you still wanna go trough with this to the end and are so
excited to finish it. Because you have learned that the biggest price isn’t the
audience number or critical praise: but to actually create something that grows
with you and changes you to something you didn’t even know existed. Who knows
what projects awaits in the future, either way you are more excited in life
than ever!
But the best thing of all…you
won’t experience all of this alone. I know you feel lonely right now Rikard,
you got few friends and none of them make you comfortable. But now, you’re
surrounded by many…MANY incredible people that enrich your life in so many
ways. They have helped you through tough times, helped you on your projects,
helped you grow and supported you…not like your old “friends”. You will learn
so much from them all, because they come from so many places. Iceland, Ireland,
USA, Norway, Finland, Denmark…and that is not all of the countries they come from.
And even in Sweden they all come from different groups, giving you plenty of
perspectives on life and thus saving you from a boring, monotone, life. Even 10
years later, you sometimes think “Do I even deserve these wonderful people?”.
One of the best feelings is to make them smile, laugh and happy because they
deserve it and much more. They have given you one of the most valuable things
in life: memories. And more will come.
I’m not going to lie, there
have also been some dark times to…to deny this would be an atrocious sin. Your
anxiety will never go away and you know your confidence, even if it is much
better, will never soar like it does for many other people. As long as there
are successful people, you can’t help to compare yourself to them. This is
another reason I’m writing this to you: to tell you, and remind me, something
important. No one else have your memories, no one else have gone through exactly what you have, no one else
smiles the way you do, no one looks into the future the same way you do. You
got your own history, one the be incredibly proud of. You are Rikard, and you
should be so proud of it.
Better end this letter now,
got to stop procrastinating and finish my projects. Got so much more to learn!
Take care of yourself
//love, a 29 year old nerdy dork.
Take care of yourself
//love, a 29 year old nerdy dork.
PS. Tack för att du finns
